The Mary Sue Chronicles
by Phishy Chan
Summary: Individual Mary-Sues tailor-made for each lovable character of the Naruto cast! You love them, I love them, we ALL love them!
1. Hyuuga Kurohana

The Mary Sue Chronicles

Author: Phishy chan

Pairings: everyone/OC (but not really)

Warnings: Mary-sues, severe OOCness on most of the canon characters' parts, incongruence between different parts of the story. Overuse of the phrase "not really." All intentional. Aside from that, swearing (or censoring of), sarcastic smut

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Mary Sue chronicles, Case File 1: Hyuuga Kurohana 

Victim: Neji Hyuuga

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"Who's back?" 

"Hyuuga Kurohana, Godaime-sama," the dutiful Shizune reported. She glanced down at the papers that she received in her mailbox this morning. The authenticity of the documents was questionable, but since it had something that resembled a special-uberly-ANBU-elite ninja's signature, she figured it may as well be a real document anyway.

"Hyuuga Kurohana? Who the devil is that?" The regal Tsunade, current "-daime" of Konoha country, snorted. "I didn't know the Hyuugas used such tacky names."

"Um… Why wouldn't you know her, Godaime-sama?" Shizune asked tentatively. "It says on her return form that you taught her all of your healing jutsus when she was six because you saw her obvious skill and talent that surpassed even the mightiest of Hyuugas. She has a hybrid-bloodline-limit called the 'Byarugan' which is a combination of the Sharigan and Byakugan due to genetic modifications as a child…."

Tsunade burst out laughing and set her shot-glass of sake down onto the table quite audibly.

"When she was six, eh? The buffoon obviously has her dates wrong, but continue on, Shizune. This is amusing," the graceful leader guffawed. "Nevermind the fact that no one knows what 'generic modifications' are. Continue."

"Yes. Her taijutsu surpasses the levels of Maito Gai, and she has the ability to open nine chakra gates…"

Shizune was interrupted by her superior's peals of laughter.

"… And she has 250 percent accuracy when it comes to weapons such as kunai, shuriken, and senbon needles. According to her associations, she is the lost daughter of Hiashi Hyuuga, and was very close friends with Hatake Kakashi and Obito Uchiha. Supposedly, she was their former teammate before Rin, and moved out of their team a year before them due to her advancements as a ninja."

"Kakashi, eh? When he was a kid? What is her status with the Hyuugas now?" Tsunade asked thoughtfully.

"She is part of the Main House, and is due to marry Hyuuga Neji to produce…" Shizune squinted unsurely and blinked several times at the following sentences. "… To produce 'painstakingly gorgeous, hot, alluring, enticing, and ultimately sexy Hyuuga babies.'"

"Does Neji know about this?" Tsunade snorted through muffled laughter. "Or to expand on that, do ANY of the Hyuugas know about this?"

"I'm afraid not, Godaime-sama. At least, I'm quite sure… Or… they _shouldn't…_."

* * *

"Who are you again?" Hiashi asked with less than the usual regal and noble air that usually surrounded him. 

"Kurohana Hyuuga, Hiashi-san," the woman said with a humble tone. She was breathtakingly beautiful with her shiny-long, silky black hair that was tinged with a hint of bluish-silver. She had a lithe, slender form, unlike that of a cat and ivory skin. Her Hyuuga eyes, instead of being the traditional white, were bluish-purple with a trace of silver and a spark of gold. Clearly this was no ordinary kunoichi, Hiashi Hyuuga had to admit. He was totally smitten with her at first glance and…

Er…Not really.

Hiashi Hyuuga was confused. Clearly, this woman was definitely not a Hyuuga. For one, she didn't seem to have a pure Byakugan, and secondly… He was the head of the Hyuuga clan, so why the fook was she addressing him as "-san?" Insolent wench…

Speaing of which, since he was indeed the head of the Hyuuga household, if Kurohana were indeed a Hyuuga…he would know her. The birth of every Hyuuga in his household was documented in that book over in the corner…and he definitely didn't remember a "Hyuuga Kurohana."

Hiashi thought to himself again. There was the possibility of her being a missing-nin of sorts…However…

…Why did she address him as, "-san!" Regardless of whether she was in the Branch or Main house, she should have referred to him as "-sama!" Curse the gods!

"…I see," Hiashi said carefully, maintaining that regal composure. One does not become head of one's household because one wears his emotions on his sleeve. One becomes the head of his household by fate. Hiashi digressed. "And what is thy… your business here?"

"I am here to fulfill your noble father's request; to marry the strongest Hyuuga," she explained. "I believe it was also the dying wish of the great Hizashi-sama as well. Indubitably, his son has grown to be the most talented and prodigious of the Hyuugas, has he not?"

Hiashi really wanted to slap this child. How dare she refer to _him_ as "-san" while she referred to his brother, a BRANCH house member, deceased no less, as "-sama."

Hiashi was the head of the Hyuuga household.

Hiding his disgust and a scornful snort, Hiashi nodded in understanding and sipped his tea.

"I have decided that this is unacceptable," he said decidedly.

"WHAT? WHY!" Kurohana screeched rather uncharacteristically. "NO!111one NEJI ISH MAI HUSBAND AND I AM TO HAVE SEXY HOT BABIES WITH HIM!111"

Hiashi acted as though nothing went wrong.

"I shall state my reasons why. First, because I do not believe you are a Hyuuga. You lack the pure Byakugan, and we have no record of you in our household. Second, you treat me, the Head of the Hyuuga clan, as a mere… other person. One does not simply title the HEAD of the PRESTIGIOUS HYUUGA clan as '-san.' In accordance to this, you did not know my father, as his wish was not to have you, a nonexistent Hyuuga, marry the strongest member of our clan. His wish was to have tea with the Hokage on Yondaime's nose during a spring day with many sakura petals in the air. In addition to this, you referred to my brother, a Branch house member, as '-sama' which is quite frankly, unacceptable. Finally, you may not marry my nephew because it is not his fate to marry someone that is not a Hyuuga."

"ZOMG! I HAET U!11one," Kurohana raged. "I shall best you in a fight! THOUSAND PETAL BYARUGAN LOTUS MANEUVER EYES!"

And Kurohana unleashed all of her righteous fury on Hiashi Hyuuga who was definitely no match for the great kunoichi and was smote in a single stroke.

Not really.

He felt amused and decided to try smiting her with the Curse-Seal-no-Jutsu. Pretty soon, Kurohana was writhing on the floor in pain.

"Oh. Perhaps she is a Hyuuga. Then she is a Branch House member," Hiashi remarked. Then he tapped her on the forehead and said, "I smite thee for thy insolence."

Kurohana threw a hissy-fit and yelled blasphemy at the great Hiashi. "CURSE YOU! I WILL marry Neji and I WILL bear his hot babies!"

When the pain subsided (around midnight), Kurohana leaped up and started to hunt for her not-really-a-fiancée.

She found him in his bedroom watching "the OC."

"NEJI-SAMA! I have FOUND YOU!" She yelled out of joy.

"It's about time you started recognizing me as your superior, Lee. Now shut up, Seth is about to confess his undying love to Ryan," Neji said in a peeved tone. He didn't spare Kurohana a single glance and bit into a Ho-Ho as Ryan got into a heated fight with some random Jock on TV.

"Neji-sama! It is I, Kurohana, you're one true object of affection and worthy wife!" Kurohana sobbed. "Embrace me now! Let us make love!"

Neji paused as he was about to finish his Ho-ho. Closing his eyes in annoyance, he sighed deeply, paused the show with the power of Tivo and turned to the amazingly annoying tinny that was now bothering him.

"You're not Lee. Who are you?" Neji asked irritably.

"Hyuuga Kurohana, Neji-sama! It was your father's dying wish that I be your lawfully wedded wife! I, Kurohana Hyuuga, the prodigy of our clan!" She sang out dramatically.

"Uh, no, _I'm_ the prodigy of our clan. And you're, what, 30?" Neji scathingly remarked. "I've never heard of you. I didn't even know that there _was_ a 'Kurohana' in our clan."

"Neji-sama! Please accept my love and affection!" Kurohana crowed.

With that she threw herself shamelessly at him while tearing off the kinky kimono she was wearing, exposing us to a smutty steam of forbidden love and mad-hot sex.

Or…In Neji's case, something along the lines of child molestation.

* * *

Somewhere in the vast courtyard of the Hyuuga household… 

Hinata was ordered by her father to fetch Neji for dinner. She walked across to the Branch House and down the hall that ended in Neji's room. As she neared her destination, she began to hear loud, rambunctious, smutty, and most obviously NOT-Neji-like sounds emanating from his room.

"STOP! STOP! STOP, DAMN YOU! THE HELL ARE YOU…AUGH!"

"NEJI-SAMA! DO NOT BE BASHFUL! I AM OPEN AND READY FOR YOUR PENETRATION!"

"(horrendous cursing goes here)"

Hinata squeaked when her hand accidentally (but probably not really) turned the door handle, commencing in the exposure of our happily-wedded couple making love on their first night.

Need I say it? Too bad.

Not really.

Hinata's face flushed a brilliant crimson at the scene that met her eyes.

Kurohana was pretty much stark-naked and had pinned Neji to the floor. It was obvious she was trying to strip the poor boy, as his shirt was torn and his pants had been flung onto the TV. She was straddling his waist and her left hand was wandering God-and-everyone-with-a-dirty-mind-knows-where, while her right arm was offering horrified Neji one of her milky-smooth boobies.

Quickly slapping a hand over her eyes, Hinata managed to tremble out, "Ne-Ne-Neji-san! Father wants you to come down to dinner! I-I'm sorry if I disturbed you!"

And the unfortunate child tore down the hallway.

"/Fack/ this," Neji growled. "I'm late for dinner, you WHORE. GENTLE FIST STYLE!"

"Neji-sama! I did not know that you were able to develop the Gentle-Fist style into a love-making technique! Truly you are a prodigy among the prodigious Hyuugas!" Kurohana moaned adoringly.

This was not true, and instead Neji proceeded to Gentle-Fist-style the bejeebuz out of her.

It didn't take long.

He grabbed his hakama, threw it on and quickly dashed out of his room and down the hall. Dinner was getting cold, and he'd already been traumatized as a child. He didn't need to be traumatized again.

END

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A/N: I've been wanting to do a Mary-Sue parody fic for the LONGEST time ever. And I finally got off of my lazy arse to do it, starting with a Hyuuga-archetype. I realize that Uchihas are the spawn of most mary-sues, along with Uzumakis, but I like Neji better. 

I will allow reviews to shoot me for the following:

Neji's OOCnessHiashi's OOCness, though, this really is the way I imagine him  
The incongruency between Kurohana's relation to Hiashi  
The creation of Kurohana  
The smut scene  
Neji's second traumatic experience  
Hinata's first traumatic experience

R/R/F, plzkthxbai


	2. Sanako of the Dunes

The Mary Sue Chronicles

Author: Phishy chan

Pairings: everyone/OC (but not really)

Warnings: Mary-sue torture/death. Severe tone changes that may be confusing/incongruent. Cursing? Maybe. Pseudo-angst

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Mary Sue Chronicles, Case File 2: Sanako of the Dunes

Victim: Gaara of the Sand

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­

"You're WHO?"

It was Monday, and therefore it was Kankuro's turn at gate duty. The night had been relatively uneventful, sandy, a bit warm, and uneventful. Fortunately, Kankuro was used to that. Well, at least the warm and sandy part. He did live in the desert, after all.

The night was uneventful. Until…this… Sunedo, was it?

"It's Sanako. Sanako of the Dunes," the girl said, apparently able to read minds.

Oh. Sorry.

Until… "Sanako" arrived.

Sanako was a relatively short-statured girl. Her build was slender and graceful, not stocky or muscular, yet she didn't have an aura of fragility around her; it was obvious to see that her hands had immense physical power in them, and that she had reserves of rippling muscle and sinew to use when she needed. Her face was a gorgeous, pale, oval shape decorated with full, red lips and a cleverly-pointed nose. Her eyes were a brilliant aquamarine-crystalline blue that seemed to glow even in the dim light. Sparks of gold and a tinge of red rimmed her iris. Her eyes themselves were exotically slanted, and were rimmed with what seemed like mascara, but were really rings of insomnia(or were they?). Her hair was a shimmering orange-red, that seemed to flicker and move like fire. Dashes of iridescent bronze flashed through her locks as she moved, mesmerizing anyone that glanced at her. Strange, unusual marking snaked their way down her arms and legs, imitating two snakes slithering across her limbs. Most outstanding of all her features were brilliant silver disks wrapping around her wrists.

"Sanako? Of the Dunes? What business do you have here?" Kankuro asked her skeptically, just like a proper gate guard should.

"I am here to visit my foster-brother, Gaara of the Sand," she said monotonously.

The puppet-master had to stop himself from flipping over in surprise.

"FOSTER-brother? Foster BROTHER?" he asked incredulously. "Wait, then I would be your foster-brother too, and Temari your foster-sister…and we would've _heard_ about you, or at least SEEN you…"

"You? My foster-brother? Do not humiliate me. I could never be in the same household with someone as normal or plain as you," she deadpanned cruelly.

Ouch. Poor Kankuro. You'd think she'd take a clue from those ridiculo….unique facial markings.

Ignoring her, Kankuro refused to let her through by squaring his chest in proper security-guard fashion. "Whatever. I don't believe you, and I'm not letting you in. Too bad."

"Imbecile," Sanako hissed. "I will drink your blood for this!"

She lifted a hand and a serpent of sand rose from the dunes and hissed, making its way for Kankuro. The sand annihilated him, and the puppeteer was killed instantly.

Of course not.

A pathetic wave of sand squealed and made its way upon Kankuro's shoe. He looked down at it blankly, then looked up at Sanako expectantly.

She gave him a strained sort of chuckle. "Heh heh heh… I can tell that you underestimate me. That will be your mistake!"

She raised her hand up and swiped it down like a cat swipes its claw down on a squeaky toy. A loud, dark, booming voice yelled "SUBAKU NO NEZUMI KAMPAI NO JUTSU!"

Because really. If Gaara never yells out HIS attacks, why should Sanako? They both have big, dark letters to inform the world of what they're about to do.

Kankuro, not really all that intimidated by the scary voice (after all, he lived with Gaara) stood there, waiting. Just in case, though, he had a hand on Karasu so that he could whip out his puppet friend and kill the opponent with poison gas and exploding kunai. If he needed to.

Turns out he really didn't.

Just as the jutsu name implied, a little mouse made out of sand poked its sandy head out of the sandy ground and made its sandy way to Kankuro's not-as-sandy foot. There, it exploded with a little "MEEP." And Kankuro died.

Actually, at that exact time, Gaara happened to come out to visit Kankuro at the gates. In reality, it was Gaara's turn to watch, and it definitely was NOT out of brotherly love for his puppeteer sibling. Kankuro shrugged and went home. He figured Gaara could figure out this obviously deluded girl for himself.

Sanako saw Gaara and gasped. She released her hand from her vise-like grip in the air (which, funnily enough, had remained gripped since she started her "subaku no nezumi kampai no jutsu") and bowed to Gaara.

Gaara, of course, did not acknowledge her presence at all. So Sanako walked slowly up to him and murmured, "I have missed you as well, Gaara onii-sama."

And with that she tenderly laid a hand on his forehead, pushed back his hair and planted a tender kiss on his tattoo.

Bad move.

Annoyed at being touched by a complete stranger (one with horrible fashion sense at that; Gaara hated shiny things) Gaara thrusted his hand out and summoned the evil voice of jutsus that said, "DESERT COFFIN!"

And a giant wave of sand jumped out from the dunes and swallowed Sanako whole.

"Insolent wench…," Gaara growled, rubbing the spot where Sanako had kissed him. "Someone better have some antiseptic at home… Or I'll kill them."

Feeling the burn of the kiss sizzling away at his tattoo, Gaara suddenly got the urge to go home. Then he remembered that it wasn't yet three in the morning, and he had two hours left until his shift was over.

"…Fook," he muttered. Gaara looked down at the pile of sand that was once a silly fangirl and scuffed it with his toe. "…She had better be dead."

Spoke too soon. As soon as he scuffed the sand, the ground shook and the form of Sanako slowly materialized in front of him. Gaara cursed every person he knew by name.

Sanako looked at Gaara with a distant, pained look in her eyes as a single, crystalline tear trailed down her face. It smudged her mascara.

"Gaara nii-sama… I understand… I understand your pain," she whispered huskily. "I can help you, Gaara nii-sama. This… This is love. I can give it to you, Nii-sama."

"Love?" Gaara spat. Then he stood thoughtfully and stroked his chin. "Love… You mean the feeling I get when I kill people, right?"

Sanako shook her head and advanced towards him with oustretched arms. "No, Nii-sama. This… This love is different. I once had the bloodlust mistaken for love as well, but… Nii-sama, it was you who showed me true love!"

Gaara stared at her warily, inching back as she slowly inched forward. "Love? For you? Don't be an idiot. The only love I have is for myself," he spat contemptuously.

"Don't be like that, Nii-sama! Please… Please, come back! Come back… The Gaara nii-sama that I once knew and loved…," Sanako murmured tearily. "Please…"

"Stay away…," Gaara snarled, now somewhat afraid. Scratch that, he was totally freaked out, but SHE didn't know that. Neither do you. "Stay away from me… If you come near, I'll…"

"You can't do anything to me, Nii-sama," Sanako purred. "I am protected b y the jutsu you laid on me so long ago. It uses neither chakra nor seals; just love, nii-sama. Do you see it? It is pure love that binds us."

Normally, when he was exposed to love of any kind, Gaara would get chronic headaches and migraines. This time, however, he was covered by a strange, unfamiliar, frightening sense. Was…this fear?

"STAY AWAY!" Gaara howled. "I'll kill you!"

Sanako gave him a tender look that had a hint of bitterness. "Nii-sama, you used to tell me that all the time, do you remember? You also… you also told me you loved me… all the time…"

Gaara closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What did he know? Nothing. This… person whose name he didn't even know… What did he know about her? Well, she was clearly off her rocker, and that scared him. But why did it scare him?

A memory swam in Gaara's view. He was a little boy in his house… Yes, yes, it was all quite familiar. There! Yes, that was exactly it! Gaara was only a few years old… Three? That was it. He could barely remember. While crawling around the house looking for Yashamaru, Gaara got lost in unknown corridors. He saw a door that was slightly open, and hoped that Yashamaru would be behind it. Upon opening the door… There was a horrendously loud sound! Lil Gaara toppled over and looked up in fright. A gigantic tin mask (a curio of sorts; Let's just say that the Kazekage had a shiny-curio fetish and kept random things in random closets located in random corridors) screeched as it brushed against another tin object. It came lunging down upon the poor, terrified Gaara, and that was all he could remember.

Gaara was scarred since then. Hence he hated shiny objects. Especially metal. After realizing this, Gaara gave a swift glance at the two huge bracelets that Sanako had adorning her wrists. The Kazekage's son's mind went onto a single thought: destroy.

"Nii-sama," Sanako gasped. "You… seem to remember! Do you know who I am now, Nii-sama? Do you know?"

Gaara shook his head and stood jerkily up. Veins pulsed in his head, and slowly, hesitantly, he looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. He lifted a slack hand, and then suddenly tensed it, summoning massive claws of sand to burst from the ground.

"I told you… I'd kill you," Gaara hissed.

Sanako was either very, very much in love, just very, very dense. Even with Gaara's sandarms of d00m, she smiled and took another step towards him. "Nii-sama… You can remember… All you have to do is try…"

Gaara's eye twitched as a slight glint from Sanako's bracelet beamed into his eyes. Jerking his hand to the side, he made the giant arms grab Sanako and lift her into the air. She looked down (in a somewhat undignified manner; her legs were dangling out of the sand, after all) and smiled again.

"I'll kill you," Gaara said again simply. And this time, he didn't need the voice to tell everyone his next move. The arms of sand engulfed Sanako and crushed the life out of her. Gaara lowered his arm and retracted the sand, and Sanako's remains, back into the ground. Then he glanced at the moon. It appeared that he had an hour and forty-five minutes left. Fook.

* * *

Elsewhere…

A shadowed figure sitting in an ominously large-backed chair steepled her fingers.

"Sanako… has been killed. I see," she murmured. "What is going wrong? Why are none of my kunoichi working? This is a problem…"

Another shadowed figure leaped out from nowhere and landed neatly at the first shadowed figure's feet.

"If you wish, I shall go next," she said.

The shadowed figure in the chair nodded slightly.

"I see. Yes. Go, Aoihime Uchiha."

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A/N: OOOOHH! Preview! Preview! Now we all know who's next.D I figured I may as well shoot down the first three angsty kiddies. I'm not a remote fan of Gaara, but I figured his would be pretty fun to do. The tone for this one came out totally different from what I thought. Pseudo-angst, you could call it. After all, it was a totally random flashback I fabricated for him. And… Yeah. I figured this kind of Mary-Sue would be the most generic one for him too. D'you reckon I overdid this one? I have a feeling I did.

Still, I do hope you enjoyed it to a certain extent. Next one will be better. Maybe a mix of Neji's AND Gaara's mary-sues. OH NOES!

Translation notes:

Subaku no nezumi kampai no jutsu: Literally translated, I do believe it means something along the lines of "Exploding mouse of the sand"…no jutsu. Subaku no Gaara… Subaku no Nezumi. Kampai? I don't even know if it's actually the sound for explosion/"FIRE!" or if it's something people say when people say cheers for a drink. --;;; Feel free to correct me.

Aoihime- Blue Princess. Hah. WTF!

Thanks for you reviews! And your bullets! I love you all! shot again


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